God how I toyed back and forth with the idea of having that title tattooed on my body but every time I do it’s because I finally believe I’ve reached that point…each time having learned something new. The path to enlightenment is never ending!
So this is a bit of a different post, a post within which I want to share some exciting yet slightly terrifying news.
I’ve always said throughout my recovery that all I want is to be happy. Deep down I don’t care about money, I don’t care about what I do, I honestly don’t care how other people view me or what opinion they have of me…the only problem being that I was constantly striving to find something to make me happy when all along it existed inside of me; my passion was lying their dormant, partially ignored and yet to be fully explored.
Up until now I haven’t had the confidence to step outside of my box, burst my bubble of security and begin to create myself! I was always on a mission to get to this predefined ideal state of happiness that I had in my mind; not that I had any idea of how it would feel to get there, but I was just sure I’d know when I’d reached the ultimate destination and would find a way to keep myself there; everything would surely just fall in place…
As you may or may not have read I currently work as a marketing coordinator for a software company…this is soon to change. I’ve decided to take a leap of faith, a risk, major turn in the opposite direction and quit my job to go back and study nutritional therapy.
I have reached the point were at the age of 24 I feel like I’m wishing my life away. Every day in work is just a means to an end, the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is the blog (so you can imagine my panic when it went down over the weekend! Two whole days of not knowing if I’d have it back up in one piece or all!)
The blog and all that it represents, embodies and involves is what I love. Food, health, nutrition and fitness is my passion, something which I avoided admitting to myself and others for fear that it would be questioned or discouraged as a result of having suffered from an eating disorder for the best part of half of my life.
Having spent some time in the company of others who share my passion and enthusiasm and also being inspired by other fantastically strong and courageous women such as Tina and Courtney who followed their dreams I decided it was now or never.
I’ve never been one to take a whole lot of risks, aside of course from having left school two years early during the height of my eating disorder, disembarking along the predefined educational path which I had in fact set for myself in favour of studying childcare, only to go on and end up studying and completing a business degree before landing myself in a full time office job…always in a rush to get to the next destination and negating to stop and enjoy the journey; taking in the scenery has always been my problem!
I’ve been terrified to take that step back, to listen to my heart..it’s been easier to let my head rule. My job provides structure, a steady income which many people in society are still finding it difficult to obtain. Luckily enough I still live at home with my parents, I have the luxury of being able to take a risk and live in limbo in terms of employment for a while. I’m back on the job hunt, looking for something part time that will coincide in some way shape or form with my passion while I study and begin the journey I should have taken years ago, allowing myself to flourish.
Now is the time for me to get off the high speed train and take the scenic route…were I will end up I’m not quite sure, for once the final destination has not be defined and I plan on just living life for once instead of feeling like someone on the outside looking in or more often than not looking back and wishing I had of stopped to take a breath at some point!
Thank you to everyone has supported me over the past couple of weeks, your words of encouragement and the advice proffered has been much appreciated. I have a nervous energy running through me but I feel like for once I’m following my heart, my head is taking a back seat and I’m feeling 100% alive inside!